OK, so I know ‘thou shalt not covet anything that belongs to thy neighbour’ is one of the Ten Commandments. But far and away it’s probably the one I have the most trouble keeping. I’m pretty good about not murdering, committing adultery and even taking God’s name in vain, but I do confess to a bit of envy from time to time.
Married-with-kids friends have recently moved into an absolutely beautiful house – and old, characterful home full of light and beauty. I covet it! I have a few good friends who are in the types of marriages I admire – one in particular – and while I don’t covet her spouse (well, THAT would be awkward!), I do envy the easy, natural and loving relationship they have. A long-time friend is married to a lovely, successful man and for them, money is not a worry – they’re very comfortable but generous with it, and not ostentatious at all. And another friend just seems to have had everything she’s ever wanted fall into her lap. I am so happy for all these friends, but sometimes can’t help wondering why they seem to have it made, and I don’t.
But that’s just one side of the story. The friends with the beautiful house have had to deal with some very tough health issues and several heartbreaking losses, both of which still affect them. The happily-married friend has faced, and continues to deal with, similar problems. And the high-flyer travels extensively for work and does not see his wife for much of each month. I can’t see the downside for my charmed-life friend (lucky girl!) but I don’t doubt that she’s dealing with negative stuff of her own.
So while the grass may look greener over the fence, I know that nobody has a charmed life. And that there are probably people I know who envy my gorgeous home, my close relationship with my friends and family, my health, my independence and the many more things I have been blessed with. So the envy ends here. Instead I will remind myself daily that I am truly grateful for all that I have – and celebrate the good fortunes of the people I love, because they all deserve the good things that come their way.
We all wear masks. Particularly when things aren’t going well. We have to. Because we know that if we don’t, we’ll just chase people away. And things will be even worse. It is amazing the things that people hide in public. It often starts when they are children. Then becomes a habit.
Please don’t envy your friends. I may appear happily married to all and it seems we have money and are doing quite well for ourselves. The truth is I am married to a bully and i’m very miserable and know I made a huge mistake but I am trying to save face. I envied all my married friends when I was single and thought they were happy and so I rushed into marriage with the next decent person to cure my loneliness and depression. HUGE MISTAKE! I have now realised most of the “happily” married friends I had are actually quite miserable but none as miserable as me. Enjoy your life, singledom and success, the grass is not greener and you may end up regretting.
Penny – I am sending you the BIGGEST virtual hug right now. This may be easy to say, not being actually IN your relationship, but if you are so miserable and are just staying to save face, is there a way you can get out? After all, who cares what other people think
YOU are the most important person in your life, and you need to look after yourself on every level. You deserve happiness.
Marilyn – I think you’re right – we learn from an early age to behave in a socially acceptable way that adheres to society’s norms. Being ‘different’ is hard.
I definitely think there are pros and cons to being single vs married. Although I’m not married, I don’t really think either situation is better than the other one. I think what’s most important is being at peace with yourself and finding inner happiness. I know so many miserable married people and many empowered independent singles. I will admit that I envy those married people that seem to have it all. But in all honesty, I don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors. I know couples that appeared to be a perfect match, had the perfect house and kids, and then divorced a few years later.
I tend to be an open book, so I have a hard time understanding how people can put on a happy face. Like Marilyn and others commented, many people hide their feelings, insecurities, etc . In this society, it’s not acceptable to display your problems and weaknesses.