On loneliness

I’ve been feeling more lonely, more often, over the last few months. There, I admitted it.

I do enjoy my own company and usually *need* time on my own to stay sane.

But lately, it’s felt a lot more like ‘lonely’ than ‘alone’.

I have friends, but I no longer seem to have a best friend. She’s got her hands very full with two small children, a husband and a hectic life. She’s been drifting away from me for a few years now, if I’m honest. And it’s not for the lack of trying on my part – but after being turned down repeatedly when I suggest we meet up for coffee, or a drink, or even dinner if she can get away, I’ve kind of stopped asking. (She never calls me to suggest a get-together.) I miss her so much. She could always make me laugh until I wheezed. And she was always the person I could tell anything to.

So there’s a big gap in my life without her. I have other friends, but none who I feel I can call at 10pm when I’m having an anxiety attack. Which sucks, because I’ve been having a few of those recently, relating to a health issue.

How I wish that when I wake up in the middle of the night, and scary out-of-proportion thoughts flood my head, and my breath gets shallow and fast, and my heart thuds in my chest, that I had someone I could snuggle up to. Who would put a comforting arm around me and tell me that it will all be OK and that he’s there for me, and that I’m not crazy. And tell me to go back to sleep and it will all seem less awful in the morning.

Because it’s starting to feel like I’m never going to have that. That I’m weird and there’s something strange about me that just puts people off. Is it how I look? Should I lose weight? Do I walk funny? Do I smell bad?!! Or is it this unapproachable aura I apparently project, that makes me seem prickly or aloof and just not the kind of person you’d want to get to know. How is it that everyone else knows what to do to find The One?

I’m dreading getting older and having to deal with health issues on my own. Having to cope with the ageing and eventual loss of my wonderful parents without support. And not having a companion to hang out with and weather life’s ups and downs with.

Yes, I love being single. But no, I do not want to be single for the rest of my life.

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8 thoughts on “On loneliness

  1. You just stop been important to people as they have someone else. You end up on the edge always looking in and not part of the group. When they go out they are going out with “their friends” – wait I thought I was one of your friends!

    Try to be happy on your own, failing that alcohol helps a bit lol!

    People eh!

  2. It’s certainly normal to long for “your person” be it a close confidant, lover or mate. The person you can count on to reign you in, wipe the burdens of the day clean from your slate, and bring out the best you.

    It’s normal to mourn the loss of your closest person as their energy becomes focused more and more on their family. Some adults realize they need an identity and ties outside of parenthood and some don’t, thus the single-childless friends are left as an afterthought or a once-was.

    Set the clock, mourn the loneliness, fear and abandon. Then when times up stop. Clear the slate and redraw your boundaries making room for new people into your life.

  3. Hi, this is how I have been feeling for a couple of years. I am actually a little bonkers, I think, because of this feeling. Most of my friends are at that place -family, husband, family. I cannot get a hello, yet I am invited to every birthday party for their kids.
    I am quite sociable just not sure what I am doing or could be doing to have a healthy relationship. I rather be alone with the wrong guy (Again). Thanks for blogging.

  4. Hi, this is how I have been feeling for a couple of years. I am actually a little bonkers, I think, because of this feeling. Most of my friends are at that place -family, husband, family. I cannot get a hello, yet I am invited to every birthday party for their kids.
    I am quite sociable just not sure what I am doing or could be doing to have a healthy relationship. I rather be alone than with mr. Wrong(again). I enjoy your blog.

  5. Thanks for blogging. I’ve found my singleness stands out more during the Holidays. I would like to spend time with my good friends. But when they have kids and husbands, I’m shuffled to the last on the list. I’m beginning to realize my destiny is up to me and I need to start making my social life my top priority. One of my New Years goals is to join clubs to find more friends like myself. Fingers crossed!

  6. Hey look, I know exactly what you’re going through. I am single in my thirties. The best response to battling loneliness is to go out there, pursue hobbies and interests and meet new people and make new friends along the way. Stop it with all these insecurities. There is nothing wrong with you. Go out there and have fun!

  7. This is bullshit- I’m just looking for all the single professional people in their early 30′s who want to meet someone of worth:) and I’m sure there are tons out there! Let’s all just join and have a lively, and lovely evening together!

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