How long should you date for?

Is dating a means to an end (i.e. marriage) or an end in itself? Should your relationship always be ‘going somewhere’ or should you simple carpe the diem and live in the present?

Having never been in a very long term relationship, I’m not exactly speaking from a point of experience, but I do wonder about couples who’ve been coasting along for 5, 8, 10 or more years. Sure, not everyone wants to get married and for them, that’s fine. But what about those relationships where one of the people really does want to marry?

Two good friends come to mind. A lovely guy I’ve known for ever has been with his girlfriend for five years. She really wants to get married; he’s not 100% sure that things are quite right. In another relationship, the woman can’t understand why, after eight years together and trying for a baby, her partner is still so anti-marriage. It’s really important to her, but he won’t talk about it.

Tricky situations and high emotions all round. Not to mention the emotional manipulation and uncertainty.

I’d like to think that if I was dating someone, that within 18-24 months tops I’d probably know if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. And that if I didn’t, or he didn’t, we’d be brave enough to call it quits. Because I’d rather be single than with someone who is wasting my time. But that’s just me.

How long does it take you to know whether a relationship’s got legs? And does it matter to you?

Non-negotiables

Just before I finished a phone chat with my friend B earlier, she said ‘Oh oh oh! I’ve been meaning to tell you…’ and then launched into how there’s a guy she works with who is lovely and she thinks I’d really get on well with.

‘Only thing is,’ she said, ‘He might be a little bit short for you.’

At 5’8″, I’m not exactly Amazonian but I do like my height – and I have a penchant for high heels (although look a little Bambi-like in the gorgeous new pair I bought last week in celebration of my five-year milestone). So, I wondered, do I write off a potentially lovely guy just because he’s a little vertically challenged? No. For me that’s not a non-negotiable. OK, I do like my boyfriends to be taller than me, but if height is the only area in which an otherwise wonderful person falls short (ha ha) in, then I can live with it.

It got me thinking about non-negotiables though. Both the (shallow) physical ones and the non-visible character traits. Some of the things I just won’t compromise on are:

• Smoking. Eeeuw.
• Facial hair. I like a bit of end-of-the-day stubble, but more than that and I’m instantly turned off. The good news is that a quick shave is all it takes to turn me on again
• Poor personal hygiene. Whether it’s BO, dirty fingernails, unbrushed hair, smelly breath… Ugh.
• Rudeness. Usually detected by how waiters or other service industry staff are treated. This includes racism.
• Hunting for sport (who kills creatures for fun?). Or any kind of gun ownership. Very scary.
• Miserly. I just can’t cope with someone who isn’t generous. Working out who owes what down to the last cent on our first date will not get a guy a second date with me.

There are lots more but those are the ‘first impression’ dealbreakers (OK maybe you don’t find out about his rifle collections on first meeting).

On the other hand, my non-negotiable, absolute ‘must haves’ are:

• Kindness
• Funny (ideally with clever, quick wit) and quick to smile and laugh
• Intelligent and in touch with what’s happening in the world
• A long list of places he’s travelled to – and an even longer list of places he’d still like to go to (travel stories are great ice-breakers)
• Comfortable in his own skin (implies emotional and mental stability)
• An appreciation of what he has – and the ability to notice and appreciate small, simple things
• A sense of purpose – that he’s driven to pursue something in his life. Not so much ambitious goal-orientation, but a dreamer who works to make his dreams come true.
• If he’s really good at what he does, that is a big turn-on for me.
• Throw in old fashioned manners with a dash of chivalry, and I’m smitten!

I have a much longer list of desirable traits, but those pretty much sum up the non-negotiables. What are yours?

I am a bad person

A friend met a guy a few months ago and is utterly smitten. It’s wonderful. I am (honestly) really happy for her as she is am amazing person and totally deserves to find her equally-amazing soulmate.

But she is annoying the hell out of me. She is soooo loved up that everything that comes out of her mouth is her philosophical takes on the beauty of love. *vomit* She spends every minute possible with him (yes, I’ve seen her a lot less) which is very sweet but wow, that sort of relationship would have me running for the hills.

I feel like such a bad person. I am happy for her (really!) but I do wish she’d tone it down a bit. I know I’m probably annoyed because I’m still single (the only one in our group now) and would love to find my ‘other half’ and experience the euphoria my friend is feeling at the moment (with the appropriate relationship space that I need!). And I know that raining on her parade is (a) mean-spirited and (b) not who I am. So I will continue to fix a smile on my face when I see her and think happy thoughts that one day, I’ll be the one nauseating everyone else with my new-found love.

Words on love

“You need to find someone who will love you in the same way that you love others.”

These words came in an email from a friend of mine last week, who is over the moon at finding her ‘Mr Right’ recently.

It got me thinking: How loving am I? How do I show love for others? Am I lovable?

If it’s true that you get what you give, I think I need to be working on all three of these.